Couples Reactive

When we are reactive in relationships

We have all been there. Being reactive is common and can lead to challenges in relationships especially when we try to ignore it or feel ashamed when we are reactive and then try and deny it or focus on our partner because we feel ashamed.

Some of the things underneath that reactivity are the pain of not being heard, betrayed, lied to, or criticized. We often have particular sensitivities built up from the past. We become vigilant to these behaviors in others, and it takes only a hint of the original betrayal to cause a reaction. The emotional reactions that erupt out of this pain often take on an intensity greater than the present situation needs, leaving the people around us not understanding the response. This leads to our partner arguing that your reaction does not relate to what is going on rather than understanding how it does relate. Then we are off to the races with the argument escalating.

Let’s Examine a common reaction to not being heard.

There is an interaction that triggers an experience of not being heard ( your partner was distracted, busy, not paying attention) and this leads to a feeling of being ignored.

  • An interaction occurs where one partner feels unheard (e.g., the other was distracted, busy, or not paying attention), leading to a sense of being ignored.
  • Feelings of anger, hurt, and frustration emerge.
  • A story develops in our minds, such as: “Here we go again,” “Why can’t they just listen?” “They’re doing this on purpose,” “How many times do I have to say something?” “They don’t want to hear me,” or “They obviously think I have nothing important to say.”
  • We make accusations based on this internal story. Our partner perceives these accusations as unfair and may feel powerless to “get it right,” leading them to defend themselves instead of addressing our feelings.
  • This triggers a cycle of accusation and defense, escalating the conflict.

These reactions (triggered feelings, story, and behavior) may lead to behaviors ranging from emotionally demanding, raging, controlling, criticizing, or shutting down.

No one is listening.