What Gaslighting Is (and Isn’t)
Introduction
I often hear clients use the term “gaslighting” incorrectly. This confuses and makes it hard to tell when it is really happening. In this post, I will explain the difference between gaslighting and defensive ways people communicate in relationships. To be clear, I call the person who gaslights the “perpetrator” and the partner being gaslit the “survivor.”
Identifying gaslighting
You may wonder if someone in your life is gaslighting you, or someone close to you might have accused you of it. Here are the key features of gaslighting:
- It’s a pattern, not a single incident, within a complex relationship dynamic where the perpetrator wants to make the survivor dependent on them.
- It has an intention, conscious or unconscious, to serve the perpetrator’s need for control over someone.
- A power imbalance exists, with one person controlling their partner.
Common ways it shows up
- Denying that things happened,
- Trivializing feelings,
- Contradicting someone’s reality,
- Isolating them from outside perspectives,
- Telling someone what they are feeling and thinking,
- Using long arguments to distract, confuse, and tire someone until they accept the perpetrator’s version of events,
- DARVO process (see below for more explanation).
Relational dynamics that are not gaslighting
- Disagreements or having a different memory of events.
- Someone standing firm in their own perspective during a conflict.
- A pattern of lying to avoid conflict.
- Making mistakes.
- Miscommunication and misunderstandings.
- Someone setting a boundary or saying “that’s not what I meant”.
- Defensive behaviour.
Why can we misunderstand and confuse the two?
Defensiveness is often mistaken for gaslighting because it ignores or blames the other person. For example, statements like “that’s not true!” or “you are so critical” or “you are so stubborn” make it easy to think this is gaslighting.
Defensiveness often grows as a response to conflict. While it can be hurtful and frustrating, defensiveness by itself is not gaslighting. Gaslighting cuts the survivor off from their own experience by silencing their voice, feelings, and needs. This happens slowly over time.
People sometimes accuse others of gaslighting during arguments. This does not mean the accused person is gaslighting. Accusations are often used to get what we want in relationships. It is a way of trying to ‘be right’ when dealing with conflict.
Perpetrators may accuse survivors of gaslighting to try to gaslight them.
A word about control
When we think about conflict in relationships, control is a common issue. We all want control over many things in our lives. There are things we can control and things we can’t. We might want control over how things are done, joint decisions, and how our partner affects us.
We are controlling when we try to force our partner to do or not do something. This means telling them how they should feel, think, or make decisions. An important skill many of us don’t learn is to negotiate our needs and decisions. So we resort to trying to control each other. The truth is, we can only control our own feelings, behaviour, and decisions.
For many people, control shows up as a desire to change their partner in some way. This is a common struggle to get our needs met. For many of us, we work towards accepting our partner’s limitations and learning to love them despite them.
As control increases, we start to believe that we know what is best for our partner. This leads to less respect for their choices and perspective. As disrespect for the survivor increases, the perpetrator’s accountability and empathy towards the survivor decreases.
When control is at its highest, the perpetrator acts as if their partner has no rights to their own choices. They ignore how they feel and what they think. They use manipulation, threat, intimidation and violence to maintain control. Perpetrators’ use of gaslighting is a way to control and dominate the survivor.
The Impact of patriarchy and misogyny
There is a general gender bias in perpetrators of gaslighting strategies that bears mentioning. Research shows that men engage in gaslighting far more often. The system of misogyny and patriarchy supports the control of women by men. Men do not learn to negotiate in relationships and instead assume their experience and needs will be met. Strategies such as gaslighting are more likely to develop to protect men from losing control and power over women.
When institutions and leadership embody misogyny, it is harder to confront the harmful impact of gaslighting. When boys and girls witness gaslighting in their families and social circles, it becomes ingrained in their relationships.
The overall message of patriarchy is that women are there to serve men. The expectation that women are to serve men leads to relationships where men’s experience is the focus. The system of patriarchy indoctrinates both men and women to believe men’s experience is more important than women’s.
Typical defensive strategies in relationships
Common defensive strategies are not the same as gaslighting. Every relationship faces conflict. Most of us use conflict strategies based on control and self-protection. Some key pointers about the difference are: is repair possible? How often do defensive behaviours occur, and have they increased? Are both partners willing to admit their roles in these actions?
The following strategies are ways most people have tried to get their needs met that are harmful to the relationship. People can reduce them when they are willing to work through them
- Being right: Self-righteous indignation. The underlying motive is that if I am right, then I can get my needs met. If I can prove the other person’s perspective is wrong, I can avoid disappointment.
- Controlling partner: trying to…”Get them to…” Trying to get your partner to listen, or to be kinder, or to do what you say, is controlling and a huge barrier to emotional intimacy.
- Unbridled self-expression: “I have to tell you what I feel”. Often, the need is to be heard or for support. It is driven by the belief that your partner should always be there for you. There is a disregard for their capacity to be there for you.
- Retaliation: Offending from the victim position. I am hurt, so I am justified in hurting you. They feel justified in shaming, criticizing, and name-calling, and often want the other person to feel the pain that they feel.
- Withdrawal: Walled off and superior or walled off and hopeless/defeated. The person is emotionally distant and has either withdrawn or isolated themselves from any connection. This often comes from a need to protect themselves from being hurt.
These strategies are an attempt to get our needs met, and they have the opposite effect.
Gaslighting and coercive control
So, if gaslighting is not just defensiveness, how do we identify it? One way to think about the difference is through the dynamic known as DARVO. Another is the progression of one person’s control over the other over time. The control aims to reduce the survivor’s independence and decision-making ability. This progression is referred to as coercive control.
What does DARVO stand for
- Deny –They deny the behaviour.
- Attack –They attack the person who is confronting them about their behaviour.
- Reverse Victim and Offender: This is where people plant the seeds of self-blame by reversing the roles of victim and offender.
Here is an example of this response.
“I didn’t cheat on you, and you know what, I can’t believe you call me out like this. I take care of everything financially; you sit here and accuse me, and I am always having to manage your illnesses and family drama. I didn’t do anything with that woman, but even if I had, I would have had a good reason. But you know what, I pay for fancy vacations, I listen to your complaints, I even had to be stuck here and wait for that promotion which held me back professionally, all because I was trying to be a “good husband” and figure out what you want all the time. Seriously, do you think anyone would put up with your nonsense?“
This example demonstrates the difference between a defensive response in relationships and gaslighting. Denying behaviour, blaming, and criticizing someone is not always gaslighting. If a power struggle can exist, both people have a voice. Even though people may argue and say hurtful things, both sides express their views on the issue.
The Reverse Victim and Offender part of this process leaves the person questioning themselves, feeling confused and powerless. When the perpetrator takes the victim role, they change the narrative and the truth. Repeated responses using DARVO make it impossible for the survivor to express and connect with their truth.
Ways to identify if you are being impacted by gaslighting
The main ways gaslighting and controlling behaviour affect survivors are listed below. They show how this kind of emotional abuse changes what survivors think, feel, and do.
Confusion and self-doubt
Confusion and self-doubt can affect your choices and memories. Have you started to question your experience? Is it hard to know what is true? Do you get lost in what your partner says when you try to speak up? It feels easier to let your partner decide than to try to be heard.
Gaslighting makes the survivor unsure about what they want or believe. Feeling confused and full of doubt often comes after talks with the perpetrator. This can make you think you are not good at arguing or not as clear as your partner.
Self-blame
Over time, have you started to think you cause problems even if you don’t know what you did? Do you keep looking for ways you could act differently? Do you often wonder if your hurt feelings are unfair or wrong? Do feelings of doubt and blame keep telling you that you are the problem and your partner is right?
Walking on eggshells (hyper-vigilance)
When the perpetrator keeps ignoring your experience, tires you out with arguments, and blames you for anything that upsets them, you inevitably become hyper-vigilant to stop it from happening again. As your confusion grows, the perpetrator’s actions become hard to anticipate.
This makes you unsure about what will cause a bad reaction. You become alert to avoid harm. Over time, it can feel like just being yourself will cause a reaction.
Making excuses for the perpetrator
One result of gaslighting in a relationship is that the perpetrator’s view takes over. Their version of the truth controls the situation even if it does not make sense. The perpetrator shows themselves as self-sacrificing, caring for you and having to tolerate you, like in the DARVO example above. You accept the abuser’s view to avoid more abuse. Over time, the survivor begins to believe what the abuser says, and their own truth disappears.
As the perpetrator uses gaslighting, it gets harder to accept your feelings of betrayal, fear, and being ignored by them. More people support the perpetrator’s version of events, and you begin to doubt your own experience. This can make you defend the perpetrator even when they hurt you.
Isolation is a key way the perpetrator stops anyone from challenging their behaviour or holding them responsible. Feeling trapped and dependent on them makes you want to see them positively. Also, isolation lets the abuser act like the victim and use your feelings of empathy and guilt against you.
Conclusion
Although confusion, self-doubt, self-blame, being overly alert, and making excuses for a partner may happen in close relationships for different reasons, these feelings become constant and harmful when gaslighting is involved. As shown, gaslighting causes ongoing confusion and self-blame, slowly wearing down the survivor’s self-esteem and sense of independence. When these emotional and relationship patterns keep happening, it strongly suggests that gaslighting is being used to control the survivor.
Important note: It is normal to hope you can change the perpetrator’s behaviour towards you. However, your safety and survival is a priority. If you think you are in a relationship with controlling or gaslighting behaviour and there is violence involved relationship counselling or confronting your partner is not advised.
Gaslighting thrives by isolating the survivor. Whenever you can, reach out to people in your life – friends, family, or a therapist who can support you. They can help you understand your experience and explore your options and maximize your safety.