Do you find yourself reacting before you have had time to think about how you might want to respond? Do you find that your partner can always bring out the worst in you?
When relationship patterns develop over time it takes hard work to change them. The way we communicate is intimately tied to our emotional sensitivity. When we are hurt in relationships and we keep retaliating or shutting down these hurts don’t get repaired. Bad habits develop out of being hurt and having bad role models. So the ways we have learned to communicate or hide parts of ourselves are well-worn habits.
When we don’t get what we need from our partner we can develop patterns of communicating that use these strategies as a way of trying to force our partner ( control, being right, retaliation ) to get what we want or deal with the disappointment and hurt (unbridled self-expression, withdrawal). The problem is these strategies are guaranteed to not get you what you want.
Many of you may feel that your partner just doesn’t understand you and the more you try to explain yourself the worse it gets. It is easy to give up trying to communicate and end up letting feelings of frustration and hurt go unspoken. Resentment will fester and you end up becoming more and more distant.
Learning to manage emotional reactions. This is one of the most common ways that people interrupt communication. Feelings of anger hurt and frustration need to be soothed and calmed down before discussing important issues.