The Path to Deeper Connection with Yourself and Others
Feeling disconnected is often at the root of what folks are dealing with when they come to therapy. Common experiences such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, childhood abuse, relationship conflict, or many other struggles are expressions of some kind of disconnection.
To gain a deeper connection with yourself and others isn’t just about managing symptoms; it’s about fundamentally changing how you relate to yourself. At Turning Point Therapy, we understand that humans express themselves and manage their lives through many different “parts”.
In this post, I talk about how IFS (Internal Family Systems) can create this deeper connection with ourselves by working with our ‘parts’. We are all aware of the cliche that you need to love yourself before you can love others. In IFS, we see it not just as loving yourself, but as becoming a compassionate leader to all the different ‘parts’ that make you who you are.
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Relationship with Self (or selves)
We can think of a “part” as a reaction, habit, or coping mechanism that began when you were a child. Maybe you like the parts that help you organize or think clearly. Maybe you feel shame about parts that turn to things like substances. Or, there may be a part that battles another part such as one trying to control an emotional expression.
When we were young, these parts developed to help us survive and protect us, often as a result of our authentic selves being shamed and given the message that it was not ok. We refer to this part whose authentic being was hurt as an exile. This is because in order to be ok with the adults in our lives we took to heart what was not acceptable and began to separate from those aspects of ourselves.
In order to keep these parts of ourselves in ‘exile’ we develop other parts to make sure that happens. There are typically four ways in which we keep the unacceptable and shame-filled exiles from being expressed.
- The improvement team. These are parts of us that try to make us better so we won’t get shamed again. They try to get us to be what they perceive others want us to be. A very common way we try to do that is to keep shaming the unwanted exile. For example, a part may tell us that crying is weak and pathetic. So we develop internal shamers, perfectionist parts, comparing parts, working hard/be good parts, to name a few. These all have the effect of increasing judgment about the exile part and of focusing on ways to be acceptable.
- Scout Team. These are parts that are scouring the environment for any signs that the hurtful event (that created the exile) will happen again. These parts are very focused on avoiding danger, rejection, and pain. They are future-oriented with a focus on something that hasn’t happened yet. These parts are the hyper-vigilant parts, obsessive, catastrophizing, anxious, planning parts that are saying ‘never again’.
The last two teams are the reactive/emergency teams that deflect and distract from the pain we feel around the exiled part, rather than trying to actively change the exiled part.
- Warrior Team. This group of parts tries to project the internal shaming onto other people or the world. They are saying it is not me, it is you. In this way, they provide temporary relief from feelings of something being wrong with them by focusing on what is wrong with others. These may be angry and judgmental parts, defensive parts, and often confronting and justice-seeking parts. They want change from others and seek accountability from others, which also helps relieve the focus on them.
- Escape Team. These parts are ones that find relief from the pain the exile carries and the internal critics. These parts may be ones that distract with addictive behaviour or use substances or numb in some way. Perhaps, they fantasise or are suicidal parts. They want the pain to end, even if it is temporarily.
🧐 From Critic to Compassionate Witness
The critical parts that carry shame and shame us internally are often the parts we are most aware of. Our natural impulse is to cultivate a more caring inner voice to counter them. While this makes sense to many of us (and many of our parts) in IFS, we view this as adding to the message that we are not ok. In addition, we find that this often invalidates the critical parts, causing them to return even stronger.
The therapy space is where we slow down, gently acknowledge, and listen to these protective parts rather than try to get rid of them. Many approaches to therapy and wellbeing are often trying to replace these parts of us with more ‘healthy’ ways of being.
The Radical Shift: Befriending our Parts
Instead of trying to change or get rid of parts we deem negative or unwanted, the IFS approach is radical. We work to befriend these parts by noticing, being present, and listening to them. We seek to understand why they do what they do and what vulnerability they are protecting or trying to manage. By acknowledging and validating this intent through a self-compassionate presence with the part, we can collaborate internally to address what the part needs to let go of its fears.
Acceptance as the Path to Healing
We often come into therapy motivated by the feeling that “I am not okay,” wanting to be different, better, and improved. By engaging in radical acceptance – turning towards these parts with curiosity and understanding – we foster a sense that all parts of us are okay. Even self-critical parts will relax and be open to change when witnessed by a curious and understanding Self.
2. Relationship with Others
When our internal system is at war, our external relationships become the battlefield. We don’t just bring ourselves to dinner; we bring our Scout and Warrior teams, too. Our parts were formed within family relationships and will be active in our most intimate relationships. So places we feel disconnected are often keenly felt in our closest relationships and social connections. Our parts (teams) often manage the relationship in the way they have been taught.
- Reactivity. The protective parts of us are present in our reactivity within conflict and communication. Dynamics in relationships are formed between the different teams (parts) in our system. For example, the scout team might be hyper-vigilant about trusting their partner, with the warrior ready to attack them for not being attentive. In response, their partner’s warrior team fights back, ending in both feeling more disconnected.
- Parts are focused on protection. In relationships, our parts are protective, and when we are in conflict, we experience the other person as a threat. All the ways we have developed to protect ourselves will be activated. These might include parts that defend or attack. There might be parts that carry a story that our partner is not to be trusted or relied upon, or who is controlling. There might be parts that have never felt loved and will do anything to please our partner to be loved.
These processes in relationships can lead to more disconnection and distance if you don’t address them to work towards repair and understanding. It is not easy, but it is possible to overcome the reactivity and protection to have relationships that you feel connected in.
Meet our IFS therapists.
Neora Snitz, Leila Milani, Amanda Herron, Ocean Prasuhn, and Delyse ledgard.