The Impact of Rehashing The Past.

Do you have that urge to bring up past situations, again and again with your partner?  Something happens that you thought you had already discussed or agreed about, and here it is again!  Perhaps you believe that if you keep going over it, your partner will somehow ‘get it’ and stop doing whatever it is you want your partner to change.  However, rehashing the past is unproductive and does nothing to help you make the changes you want.  Furthermore, bringing up a list of times that such and such happened is guaranteed to keep you and your partner stuck.

Let’s look at some of the reasons you might do this

To avoid conflict

When something happens, and you respond by pointing out that the same thing is happening again and again, it prevents you from dealing with the present conflict.  Think about this a moment; when you do this, are you listening to your partner’s concerns or expressing your experience?  You are likely to be focused on your feelings about how this hasn’t changed yet.  Then, your partner feels overwhelmed, blamed, and paralyzed.  You cannot repair that moment because it has become something bigger.  Implicit is the message that ‘this’ should not happen, and underneath is a desire not to have anything uncomfortable in the relationship. In other words, there is a desire for the relationship, for our partner to be perfect, and for there to be no conflict.

To have your pain acknowledged

When you develop a style to deal with conflict by avoidance or blame, it is tough to resolve breaches in your relationship.  You store unresolved hurt, betrayal, and disappointment.  When something new occurs that reflects these wounds the unacknowledged pain is activated.  By going over and over past transgressions, you are seeking to have that pain acknowledged.

To assign responsibility or blame

When you feel that your pain has gone unacknowledged, you are likely to feel that your partner hasn’t taken responsibility for it.  By going over the past, you are targeting your partner’s behaviour, and communicating that they are responsible for the relationship failure.  There can also be a defensive attack implicit in this.  When something comes up that your partner is unhappy with you can go over all their ‘transgressions’ as a way of deflecting and shifting blame.

Maintain a lack of trust and self-protection

I don’t know how many times I have worked with a couple and experienced something new and positive, and then, on its heels, one or both partners express a fear that ‘this will not last’ and ‘what happens if’. These expressions prevent the immediate experience from being fully experienced and develop trust in the relationship. By focusing on a fear that you will repeat the past, you protect yourself from the vulnerability of opening up to your partner.

Going through the same situations, again and again, does not avoid conflict nor repair any hurt, rather, partners end up feeling overwhelmed, blamed, and increasingly distant. 

Ways you can overcome the past and leave it behind

You want your relationship to be a place where you can feel safe and secure and overcome the negative interactions you have developed.  The following will help you work on this and let go of the past.

You can only solve this moment

Even if this moment seems familiar, it is a different moment.  When you focus on just this tiny moment and repair it,  you bring an experience of success into your relationship.  Your brain begins to rewire around an experience of change.  Celebrate these moments.  Appreciate each other for both working towards this achievement.

Keep in mind the big picture

Change is difficult and takes time.  In the process of changing dynamics, you can expect your partner and yourself to keep falling into the same unhelpful and reactive responses as you learn to overcome them.  By bearing in mind the big picture; that you are both working on your part, you become allies.  When you have a difficult moment, it doesn’t mean that nothing is changing

It is not personal

Your partner is probably not trying to hurt you.  They are struggling, and when you can see this, it is possible to open up to what is going on for them and be curious.  Sure, you didn’t deserve them taking whatever out on you, but focusing on that doesn’t sort out what is happening.  When you see it this way, you are more likely to stay calm and open to what is happening with your partner.  As you develop these skills together, there is room to foster understanding, making it easier to apologize genuinely and repair the situation.

Deal with the history that is difficult to let go

It is sometimes necessary and valuable to talk about past events in a once-only, let’s clear-it out-of-the-way process.  When you feel understood and responded to, it is possible to move on.  It can help to set this up with a therapist as part of couples counselling, especially when events and experiences hold deep hurt and resentment.  It may take several conversations to feel that you have adequately addressed the hurt or betrayal you may be carrying.  When this is done in a structured and mindful way – let it go.  Take time to discuss resentments and betrayals to work together to let them go.

The past then becomes something you can refer to as a recognition of how things have changed and a celebration of the journey you have made together.